This Month:

• Geocaching Event Offends Locals: A Fashion and Hygiene Nightmare, By Chris Caserta aka Criminal
• Know When to Hold 'Em... by Jerry Carter, aka El Diablo

Huskerville, NJ--Area residents were shocked yesterday when the Huskerville Kingdom Hall filled with participants of the game called geocaching. The shock was not at the number of affiliates of the peculiar game, but in their tacky garb and horrendous grooming.

Longtime resident Ronald Whitcome had this to say, "I was passing the Hall on my way to the swimming hole when I heard all this commotion from inside. I opened the door to make sure it wasn't any of them dope smoking kids and immediately wished I hadn't."

Whitcome struggled to maintain his composure as he continued, "The stench of B.O. from that place dern near knocked me off my feet. I was further horrified to see the way they was dressed, there was facial hair everywhere, and I don't think a one of 'em's been in the same room as a comb in months."

Event organizer Randy "Geohusker" McManus issued the following apology during a press conference: "The geocachers of HCGA are sincerely sorry... The event, sponsored by the Hickers County Geocachers Association, attracted 27 players from as far away as Timbuck. The intent was for all players to meet at the Kingdom Hall on Main Street at 7am, and then move out as a herd to find three geocaches hidden especially for the affair.

The game involves hiding a container of treasures and posting the coordinates on the Internet. Other players use those coordinates to find the treasure. People from all walks of life and varying degrees of hygienic aptitude are attracted to the game, though none can say why.

Event organizer Randy "Geohusker" McManus issued the following apology during a press conference: "The geocachers of HCGA are sincerely sorry to the fair citizens of Huskerville for the odiferous bouquet and nefarious outfits of our members. We hadn't counted on the humidity being so high and were unaware of the Kingdom Hall's practice of nailing the windows down."

Consulting a written statement, Mr. McManus added, "We also apologize for the horrendous insult to the fashion sense of every town member who may have inadvertently cast a glance in our general direction while we were in public."

Margaret "MammaCass" Bollson added, "I deeply regret wearing vertical stripes, I had no idea they would have such an effect on my appearance."

70-year-old geocacher Don Martenson, known among his friends as "JigglyTough", promised to shower more frequently and to avoid the flowered shorts and photographer's vest, sans shirt, he was observed in during the mass cache hunt. "Until I saw the pictures on the HCGA website, I had no idea my breasts were so revolting."

Husker resident Jane Lister, visibly angry over Mr. Martenson's shirtless vest wearing, had this to say, "I had hoped to avoid having the man-boob lecture with my son until he was out of grade school, now what will I do?"

McManus promised to give a lecture on soap and toothpaste at the next assembly, and added, "I have a cousin who >"If anyone wants to play, they are free to come to our next meeting," chimed in McManus' wife. works at the Gap. She said she'd come and offer some style suggestions to our members."

"If anyone wants to play, they are free to come to our next meeting," chimed in McManus' wife. "Just tell them GeoTramp sent ya."