This Month:

• Misconceptions
• Geocaching & Ticks

The following story is true. Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.

0700: Dispatch called down to the squad room just as I was biting into my second doughnut, seems there was a suspicious person call from a concerned citizen. I was working the day shift at homicide when the call came in. The calls keep coming in, all day and night. It’s like a bad case of the hiccups, every time you open your mouth to stuff in some doughnut, there it is, diverting your attention. My name is Friday, Jim Friday, and I’m a cop.

The concerned citizen claimed there was an unkempt looking male, 40 years of age, 5’8” tall, 165 pounds, facial hair, wandering around Metropolitan Park looking into the bushes.

“That’s not a homicide”, I told the dispatcher.

“It could be,” She said.

I really should have called her after that night, now I think she has it in for me. But in a way she’s right, it could be. To Jack and Jill taxpayer, who slave away for 40 hours a week, and try to raise children on only two paychecks, and take those spoiled children to Metropolitan Park, and expect that middle-aged, single, humorless cops like me are making sure there are no crack head carcasses rotting in the shrubbery, my personal problems are of no concern. They just want the job done, and they pay me to do it.

I beckoned my partner, Frank Smith, if that’s his real name. Every Tom, Dick, and Frank I arrest tells me his last name is “Smith”, unless they’re some kind of fancy boy; then it’s Smyth. Frank’s not fancy but he showers daily and wears his pants high enough to cover his underoos so that makes him a good enough partner in my book.

0930: After a quick stop at the Krispy Kreme and a restroom break at the Winchells, we headed over to the park. I was driving. The last time I let Frank drive he ran over a cat. The cat wasn’t a suspect in any offense; he was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Frank figured the cat had already exhausted seven of his nine lives, used the eighth under the front tire and the last one under the rear.

The dog chasing the cat didn’t go under the tires though; he flew through the air and knocked down an elderly woman carrying a bag of marbles. The marching band marched onto the marbles. The trombone player slid through a large plate-glass window being carried by two men. The drummer slipped and fell against a ladder knocking the painter to the ground with a paint bucket landing on his head. It wasn’t funny.

1030: A feverish knocking on the driver’s side window awakened us. My head was leaning on that window and I spilled the coffee I had clenched between my thighs. Good thing it was cold by now. I like coffee; I drink it decaf and black. If I wanted sugar and milk, I’d have a cup of sugar and milk, but I don’t want a cup of sugar and milk, I want a cup of coffee, so I take it black.

I rolled down the window, our cars don’t have power windows like some extravagant police departments; we work our arms in a circular motion because the taxpayers prefer it that way. Besides, rolling down the driver’s side window keeps my two arms looking symmetrical. The woman knocking was babbling a hundred miles an hour. If I could, I would have written her a ticket, but I don’t make the laws, I just enforce them.

“What’s been taking you so long? Where have you been? I called hours ago! He’s still here!”

I stepped out of the car. “Just the facts ma’am. Where is the murderer?”

She pointed across the park, towards the marked entry of the so-called “nature trail”. The only nature you’re likely to see on that trail is a couple chattering squirrels and a swarm of mosquitoes. But in this world, even rodents and bugs have rights; just don’t expect me to read those rights to them.

1100: After carefully formulating a plan, Frank and I walked to the far end of the park. I heard some shuffling behind us; the complainant was following about ten feet back. Reminded me of the old days when a woman knew her place. Frank hasn’t said much all day, and he looked like he wasn’t going to all afternoon if I didn’t ask him something.

“Cat got your tongue?” I asked.

He glanced at the ground and stopped, “No, I goth a new tongue thring”. With that, he opened his mouth and showed me his tongue; there was a small gold ball in the middle and I suspected there was a post that passed through.

“Frank?” I asked.

He looked up like he thought I was going to compliment him, “Yesth?”

“Is it supposed to be oozing pus around the edges like that?” Frank didn’t answer; I think he was sore.

1130: The complainant walked up and scolded us for not moving faster. “Ma’am”, said Frank, “I think you thould waith in your car, we’ll handle thiths”. Frank turned on his heel, “Leths go Jim”.

Frank has been my partner for two years next month and I never noticed the way he prances as he walks. I thought it best not to mention it until later. I cautioned, “There’s a lot of intersecting trails in this park Frank, I don’t want to get lost”.

Frank just waved me ahead, “I meet my friendths here all the time, and I know all the hiding plathes”.

1145: Approximately 100 yards down the trail we spotted the suspect. He looked as described and was indeed peering into the bushes and acting suspiciously. Every so often, the murderer would shake an electronic device he was holding in his hand and curse something up in the sky. He was wearing a backpack with all sorts of odd do-dads hanging off. I drew my department issue Smith and Wesson Model 19 service revolver and aimed it down the trail toward the suspect. Frank pulled out his Glock model 17 9mm automatic pistol and dropped it on the ground. Frank once opined that the more bullets a gun held the better, I told him I need only one bullet.

Frank picked up his pistol and hollered, “FREETHE!”

The man began to walk towards us, “What?” he asked.

“I THED FREETHE!” Frank hollered again, this time misting the air with pus and spittle. The man looked confused. I looked confused. I wondered if the department authorized the tongue ring.

The suspect stepped closer, “Huh?” Then he saw my .357 and the marksman ribbon on my lapel. That stopped him.

He put his hands in the air, “What did I do?”

Frank holstered his pistol and spun the suspect around. “Thpread ‘em” he commanded. The suspect complied. Frank patted him down thoroughly, and then patted him down again. Because Frank is very meticulous with his frisking, he did him one more time. “Heeth clean Jim.” he said.

I turned the suspect back to face me and asked, “What are you doing here?”

He claimed to be playing a game that involved finding a hidden container. He further claimed that he was using United States Government satellites to play this game. We ran him for warrants but there were none. The suspect explained the process to us, I thought it sounded like fun; Frank was not amused. Frank thinks it would be better if the parks went unused by Jack and Jill taxpayer. I didn’t agree, but he’s my partner so I gotta respect his position. We gave the suspect our standard warning against murdering anyone and headed back to the trailhead.

1225: We passed two young gentlemen at the nature trail entry point; one recognized Frank and greeted him. The other pulled a pair of handcuffs out of his back pocket and gave them to Frank. “You forgot these Monday night” he said.

Frank showed them his new tongue ring and said, “Thisth is my partner, Jim.” They found this amusing although I don’t know why. I don’t particularly like to hug men, especially ones I don’t know, I’m a handshake man myself, but I can appreciate that a hug is common in many cultures, and if they wanted to hug, I can accept that. I don’t understand the chest-rubbing thing, but I did it back to be polite. Frank and I walked back to the car.

The complainant was nowhere to be seen, so we drove back to the precinct. I didn’t run over a cat, or any other pets, on the way either.I might have to look into this game. Twelve years on the police force, and no police-issued-tire related pet deaths. I relayed this fact to Frank. “Thud-up” he answered.

1405: We had just finished our lunch when another call came down. There was a report of a suspicious family now. Same park, same behavior. I might have to look into this game.