December Horoscopes
Sagittarius
November 22 - December 20
If you take positive action, you can sweep obstacles aside and really
excel at the game. No no, the stars are speaking figuratively, put the
chainsaw back in the garage.
Capricorn
December 21 - January 18
With so much action in your chart’s most psychic zone, all you have
to do is believe in yourself and you will find those pesky DNF caches.
Hold on, wait a minute, woops. The action is in your psychotic zone, send
the family out of state this month.
Aquarius
19 January - 17 February
The stars are disturbed that you keep selling yourself short, that you
continue to believe the worst about yourself, and that you act as though
you’re predestined to fail at everything you do. The traits you
exhibit are all true and the stars have no advice for you, they just wanted
you to know they are disturbed.
Pisces
February 18 - March 19
Do these pants make me look fat? Really, don’t be shy, just tell
me straight up. Oh, so I’m fat huh? You just couldn’t wait
to throw that in my face could you? You’re no Mr. Atlas yourself
you know. Oh… don’t take that tone with me buddy, you really
don’t want to go there. DON’T YOU ROLL YOUR EYES AT ME!
Aries
March 20 - April 18
Geocaching wasn’t working well for you in November, and the stars
are sorry you had such a bad time. Focus on what really matters this month,
keep your eye on the ball, and really see yourself succeeding. Well, you
should do all that until about mid month when you’ll be going blind.
Sorry about that.
Taurus
April 19 - May 19
With all the planets in all the galaxies in all the universe, you had
to come looking for advice and guidance here. Why can’t you pester
a bartender like everyone else? Fine, you want advice? You want guidance?
Here you go; Don’t pet a burning dog. There, feel better? Merry
Christmas jerk.
Gemini
May 20 - June 20
Geocaching is like a rowdy game of naked Twister. Only without the colorful
playing surface. And without the spinner. And there’s not much nudity
either. Ok, it’s nothing like Twister. It’s not rowdy either.
More farting too. Why are you playing again?
Cancer
June 21 - July 21
The stars saw unbridled success for you in December. You were well on
your way to becoming the President of your state’s geocaching association.
Then, during a campaign speech, you make the statement that “geocaching
is more fun than whipping a fat lady’s ass with an automobile antenna”.
That’ll pretty much do you in.
Leo
July 22 - August 22
You are easily the best geocacher in your town. You may not realize how
revered you are in the community, but people are talking. It was opposite
day for the stars.
Virgo
August 23 - September 21
This is the month you’ll finally do it. In December you’ll
wade into the forums and start two threads, one asking who has the most
finds, and the other asking how to find out who is watching your cache.
Yes, December will be a learning experience for you.
Libra
September 22 - October 22
Hey, I’m just trying to do my job here. I have to be the go-between,
the middle man if you will, so please don’t shoot the messenger.
The stars are sending a world of hurt your way. We’re talking broken
bones, cuts, a chunk of hair pulled out, and possibly a poke in the eye.
We both know you deserve it.
Scorpio
October 23 - November 21
Oh, they grow up so fast, don’t they? Remember when they were just
learning to crawl? Remember the first time they opened a geocache and
the sheer delight in their little eyes? You should pull them all together
and give them a firm hug, tight like you’re not going to let go.
Of course, if you do that to the neighbor’s daughter again, you’ll
likely spend Christmas in jail.