Spring is in the air! Dig out those coolats, pull on your tube top, and clad your feet in macramé sandals. It’s all good. Trust me.
Aries (March 20-April 19) You will have a great day if you would only say what you feel. Stop being such a pushover. Feel the power within you and use that power to take control of your life once and for all. If that fails, a good stun gun is a handful of power that can be used to promote your agenda.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) You are best not to entrust your life to anyone right now. There are a number of people who would rather you not make it into May. So avoid cliff caches where your partner holds the rope.
Gemini (May 21-June 20) It’s a dog’s life for you. Since you have four legs and a waggy tail, it should be expected.
Cancer (June 21-July 22) Refrain from overspending on entertainment or luxury items. Stick to the essentials this month, food, shelter, and beer. If you are still having problems making ends meet, stop eating.
Leo July (23-August 22) Sentimental feelings may make it difficult to get much done at work and at home. You should realize that it’s not normal to get so attached to your first geocache hide.
Virgo (August 23-September 22) Not all geocaches are hidden in stumps or under a pile of bark. Get me?
Libra (September 23-October 22) Entertain in your home and invite all your friends, geocacher or not. They will appreciate your excellent sense of style demonstrated in your home décor. Best of all, you don’t have far to stumble after you get rip roaring drunk.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21) Love can finally be yours if you get out and join in some event caches. These gatherings are chock full of friendly happy people. Don’t be disappointed if you’re the only one who has stood in the same room as a bar of soap this week though.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21) Don't say things that could be damaging later on. Telling your caching partners they “suck” will make you a lonely cacher indeed and might get you a punch in the snout.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19) Good friends will give you honest answers most of the time. If you want the real truth though, listen to your enemies. That’s right, you’re an *******, an ugly ****** ******, your breath smells like ****, and your head is usually firmly inserted up your ***.
Aquarius (January 20-February 17) Spontaneous romantic encounters are quite likely, but discretion is a must. Yes the woods seem deserted and the bushes appear to hide you from view, but be very cautious. It will be to your chagrin if someone were to discover you in the throes of passion, sweating, grunting, and making ugly faces. It will be worse since you’re alone.
Pisces (February 18-March 19) You can mesmerize anyone you meet with your cultured attitude and fancy clothes. You can antagonize anyone with your irritable disposition. You can pulverize anyone with your enormous new Ford SUV. Try not to do all three at once.