Chapter Five: Sudden Slap-Fest

Building a website is tiring work, more tiring if you’re going without sleep. Weeks passed with Jeremy not sleeping, and not getting very close to comb or soap. As the bags under Jeremy’s eyes began to darken, so also did his mood. One morning after returning from another furious trans-swamp hunt for Signal, Jeremy logged into the forums to see what was happening.

He observed that many of the topics were off topic, and people were laughing about it. In his confused state of mind, he began to believe the laughing was about him and his website. Even those most loyal to him and his cause appeared to be mocking him.

He immediately drove to HQ and pulled the plug on the Playschool T-10 Server & Easy Bake Oven that was powering the forums and the website. Nerds the world over began to suffer DTs as the website they’d become addicted to no longer accepted their packets of zeros and ones.

Elias, at home eating his fourth bowl of Kix, sensed a deep disturbance in the Force. Quickly holstering his pens and pencils, he rushed down to the Groundspeak offices.

Grabbing Jeremy by the lapels he shouted, “Go home and get some sleep man!” Assessing the situation like a quick Jedi Knight, he raced to the server and immediately plugged it back in, rebooted, and slid another tiny pan of yellow cake batter beneath the 100 watt bulb. Grabbing Jeremy by the lapels he shouted, “Go home and get some sleep man!”

Bryan Roth walked in and began to shout at both of them and suddenly the whole room erupted with yelling and obscene hand gestures. Flying pocket protectors, empty Starbucks cups, and little cakes filled the air like a genuine geek storm. After the three-way slap fight tired them out, Jeremy wiped his nose on his sleeve and said, “We need some help!”

So it was agreed; they would hire someone to handle all the emails and moderate the forums.

“We need a girl,” sniffed Elias, “preferably one that can’t slap so hard.”

“OK, now we’re getting somewhere,” said Jeremy, “we need a girl that’s not so strong.”

“Yeah, a girl with curly hair,” said Bryan dreamily, “I like curly hair”.

Jeremy left the office as soon as the mess was cleaned up and the shiny vinyl pocket protectors sorted. He went home and slept for almost 20 hours, dreaming of curly hair and cake, and how hard cake is to get out of curly hair.

Chapter Six: Bugs and Kisses

Jeremy, having gotten a good night sleep and refreshing shower, notified the local community that he was in the market for someone to answer the mail and lead a team of forum moderators. Since the beginning of Groundspeak, the team held their meetings at the “Round Table” next to the server. There they enjoyed soda pop and cake while discussing the future of the geocaching site.

It was at just such a meeting that the issue of the new hire came up. Three people were proposed. The first was Jon Stanley, a local cacher who had contributed greatly to the cause.

“Hear, hear,” began Jeremy, “what doest thou think of Jon, the Earl of Bike, Tester of Software, and Duke of Discovery?”

Elias stood and raised high his frothy mug of root beer. “I find vast displeasure in your proposal, Sir Jeremy, for he doest slap with ferocious strength and vigor.”

Bryan stood as Elias returned to his seat. “I hear tell of a great geocacher living in the Harbor of Gig, a journey beyond the Narrows. He is known as Criminal, Picker of Locks, Knight of Night, and Sovereign of Stealth.”

When the raucous laughter had finally died down and the root beer suds were wiped from their noses, Jeremy again spoke. “OK, quell your mirth. I hear tell of a woman geocacher; she is known as Hydee, Queen of the Puget Sound.”

There were many minutes of geekish giggling and murmuring around the table. “Does she have curly hair?” asked Bryan.

“I don’t know,” responded Jeremy, “but we can always curl it ourselves when she falls asleep at the server.”

Elias rubbed the bare patch of skin above his right eye where his eyebrow used to be. “Yeay, a lot can happen when thou slumberest around here.”

“Best of all,” added Jeremy, “She said she’ll work for kisses!” The nerdish giggling and snorting lasted for over five minutes this time.

At the next Round Table meeting, Hydee was given a station and the discussion began. The newest Groundspeak member was given the list of duties and responsibilities. Jeremy said, “The forums need moderating. You must stop the shenanigans and hokum from continuing.”

“Shenanigans? Hokum? What kind of idiots am I working for here?” thought Hydee to herself.

Elias and Bryan both looked at Jeremy, wondering why he had abandoned the tradition of speaking as Knights. “Who are you trying to impress?” snapped Bryan.

“Yeah!” added Elias.

“Shut up!” snorted Jeremy.

Suddenly they began slap fighting and throwing cake again.Suddenly they began slap fighting and throwing cake again. Just as Elias drew his pocket protector, Hydee stood up from her chair. Like a scene from the Three Stooges, she reached across the table and made one long sweeping slap that knocked them all backwards off their chairs. Rubbing their cheeks they looked at each other.

Bryan spoke, “Well, there goes that theory.”

After everyone was seated again, Hydee asked, “When do I get paid?” Again, nerdish giggling and snorting made the meeting resemble three preadolescent boys drooling over the Victoria’s Secret catalog.

“You only want kisses, right?” asked Bryan.

Hydee reached across the table and closed his mouth for him as he’d forgotten to do so after finishing his question. “Not that kind of kiss, I meant Hershey’s chocolate kisses.”

Three-fourths of the Groundspeak panel was sorely disappointed. In their embarrassment they decided to immediately adjourn the meeting. After Elias and Bryan had left, Jeremy showed Hydee the rest of the facilities. As they were getting ready to leave for the evening, Jeremy reached up and picked a small piece of cake from Hydee’s hair and said, “Well, I sure hope you like working here Hydee.”

Just as his hand touched the top of her head, Hydee, Queen of the Puget Sound, hiccupped and kicked her right leg out behind her. “Oh, trust me, I’ll enjoy working here tremendously.”