Looking out my windows last night before bed, I studied the stars carefully. Over on the west side of the house, I peered through the blinds to find a slender, attractive young woman looking in at me. Ok, ok, I was just imagining that. The lunar influence on the Cancer and Leo was truly remarkable. The combination of this influence and the positioning of the moons of Jupiter indicate one of two things; either the world will end in mid-December, or there will be rain. I also stepped on the cat later and I'm not sure if that means anything. Unfortunately for the cat, and me, she was using the litter box at the time.

Aries (March 21-April 19). There is fortune in the stars for you this month. The stars are silent on whether that means you will find fortune or merely eat a fortune cookie. Whichever it turns out to be, make the most of it.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). You are the master of your own little world. Hide a geocache anywhere you like and don't worry if the coordinates are off in the least. It's your little world, play it any way you like.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). This is your month for finding the difficult cache that has been taunting you. You've heard it laughing, now is your chance to finally show it who's boss. You really should try harder to remember your medication.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). Fantasizing about fame in the geocaching community will be the death of you if you are not careful. True, you can achieve your goal by bagging that underwater cache without any SCUBA gear, but make sure your life insurance is up to date.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). Being goal oriented is all well and good, but make sure the children are in the car and the doors are closed before you drive away from the park next time.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). The stars were clearly indicating your demise until I realized that the twinkly one over there to the right of the radio tower was really an airplane. You bought yourself some more time, don't squander it.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). You're beating yourself up over nothing! So find something worth the thumping. Use a bat.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). The stars are strangely mute as to your future this month. So drink plenty of water and look both ways before crossing the street. Sorry, but that's the best I can do.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). The key to your geocaching success is your keen ability to lie, cheat, and steal. You are a real scumbag. I don't know what you did to piss off the stars in November, but boy, do they have it out for you.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). To greet the day with fresh eyes is to know real happiness. The stars would like to remind you that you cannot get fresh eyes from a cadaver.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). The galaxy is on Orion's Belt. Sadly, the cable will go dead before you discover the true meaning of that remark. Don't be such a cheapskate and go rent the movie.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). Major changes are afoot, so make sure you don't head out with old cache page printouts. You may find yourself thrashing through a swamp looking for a cache that is no longer there. Then again, maybe you like thrashing through the swamp, though, so it won't be such a big issue.