If you have geocached long enough, chances are you have had the pleasure of a tick hitching a ride and getting a free dinner. Any forage in the woods during tick season mandates a thorough checking of oneself to make sure you didn’t pick up one of the little hitchhikers. Here is a story of what happens if you don’t.

I had the day off from work and decided to go get a long needed haircut. I was chatting with the pretty young lady that was cutting my hair, when all of a sudden she stopped. I could see her through the mirror looking at the back of my head. I knew I was getting a little thin there, but it shouldn’t have caused the alarm I saw on her face.

“I’ll be right back,” she said. She then disappeared into a backroom.

In a few minutes she emerged with another pretty young lady and the two of them came and stood behind me starring at the back of my head.

At this point I was beginning to wonder if the numbers 666 had appeared back there. After all I am El Diablo. Finally I can’t stand it any longer, so I asked, “What’s wrong?”

They looked at one another and the 2nd lady said, “You’ve got a tick on your head.”

Man was I relieved, no numbers! “Well pull it off,” I told them.

“We can’t,” she said.

“Why not?” I asked.

“It’s against Health Department rules,” she replied.

“You can’t take a tick off someone?” I asked.

“No. It has to be done by a professional. If we try it and the head breaks off and you get an infection, then we are liable,” she answered.

“There is such a thing as a professional tick remover?” I asked.

“Well, a doctor,” she said.

“I’m not going to a doctor to get a tick removed! Give me a mirror and I’ll do it.”

She explained that due to the location of the tick, I was likely to leave its head in my skin if I tried it.

“Ok. I’ll get my wife to do it when she gets home,” I said. So she starts to take the robe off of me and I ask, “Are you going to finish cutting my hair?”

“What about the tick?” she wants to know.

“Well just cut around it and try not to disturb the little darling.”

So now I’m on my way home tick and all, when I get to thinking about it. I’m starting to have irrational thoughts. What if that thing is sucking out my brains? If it stays in too long will I get Rocky Mountain spotted fever? I feel the back of my head and sure enough it’s starting to grow. My intentions were to get home and wait on my wife to get there and get the little demon off of me.

I’m trying to stay calm, but panic is beginning to set in and I’m losing touch with reality. All I want to do now is to get home and get this brain-sucking thing off my head! I looked in the rearview mirror and sure enough I can see the edges of it growing from the back of my head. I almost stopped the car and called 911.

Just be calm I kept telling myself, and you’ll pull through this ordeal. So now I’m taking deep breaths and trying not to think about it.“Damn, did you see the size of that tick on that guys head?” But it’s getting bigger. The thing now feels about the size of a watermelon. I’m also noticing other people that are passing me are turning around in their seats starring back. I can just imagine what they are saying, “Damn, did you see the size of that tick on that guys head?”

I’m in a full state of panic now. I’m breaking the speed limit, ignoring red lights and stop signs. I just have to get home and get this thing off! I’m desperately trying to figure out how to slay this monster, when I remember hearing that if you touch it with a hot match it will turn loose and not leave it’s brain sucking head in. O.k. I have a plan now.

I careen into the driveway and come to a screeching stop and bail out of the car on a dead run! Well I was running as fast as that huge thing would let me. I stagger into the house and grab a box of matches and run to the bathroom. The cat was hot on my heels to find out what was going on, and to see what that thing was hanging off the back of my head.

So I’m standing in front of the bathroom mirror striking matches, blowing them out and then sticking them to the back of my head. After almost an entire box of matches,I stood there with a smoking head very relieved that I had gotten it. a lot of burned hair, and huge blisters, it finally came off!

I stood there with a smoking head very relieved that I had gotten it. I looked down in the sink to discover the thing that had taken over my sanity was only a little bigger than a pinhead.

The moral of the story, follow the advice from the professionals on how to avoid ticks and how to remove them if you get one.